Xanax

You know I've only done this blogging thing a few times ..like yesterday about my mom and secure..when I'm feeling extra emotional, sentimental...etc..etc.. but anyhow with all the crazy things that happen to me that I continue to tell friends and family about repeatedly because it's like this is Crazy this doesn't happen to normal people!!! And to those of you who don't get a chance to hear some of my stories let's begin with giving you a clue..my friend Sandy summed it up the other day talkin in the driveway laughing about another crazy thing that happened I'm sure..when she said I should have wondered about you when that goose landed on your truck..I'm like what? ohhhh yea forgot bout that one..lol..lol.. when first getting to know Sandy we were out in the parking lot when a big thump crash sound was heard I'm like what the Frank (as daughter would say) when looked in front of us on my truck someone had shot a goose and landed right on my car..To say the least we were speechless and laughing our asses off...so there you go..well I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit I have a little issue with depression and anxiety and fortunately or unfortunately and prescribed medication for and have been for years. Well the story is got my new refill for xanax Sunday ..2 before night and sleep like a log..no heart racing, mind racing, jumping around just good ole sound-full sleeping..well until now.. taking my xanax at night I usually sit it right on the table to where I sleep..so this is what I did again..welp here comes Monday night and no xanis...wtf..where are they? ok relax check where your other meds are..not there??okay what is going on? I haven't slept without a xanax for quite awhile and don't know how it would go..check the table again not there??then it hits me them friggen cats..(did I mention I have 4 cats..yea don't like to tell everyone I'm the crazy cat lady but yes I am) the two little ones take stuff all the time and play with find under couch, refrigerator, etc.etc. so now on the search..pulling in the back up husband and daughter lookin lookin nothing..oh well work and school tomorrow for them so I'll find them tomorrow with a fitful 2-3 hour sleep...Oh where oh where could they be start looking as soon as I get up till afternoon...No where..ok this is getting ridiculous now ..them damn cats..Now I've got to call the dr's office and try to explain this to them ..well to put it mildly it didn't work out so well..which I can't say that I blame them when someone saying "yeah man my cats ran away with my brand new bottle of xanax and could I get another one" uhmmm NO crazy cat lady we just don't hand those out...so oooohhhh what to do start looking again it's a mission and everyone who lives in this house is on it because if momma don't have her xanax were all going to be crazy....Needless to say it is now Thursday and guess what still lookin...still not finding..still not sleeping..Okay new stratgy call drug store maybe husband really didn't pick up my rx with his on Sunday and this is all an illusion..so ok crazy cat lady tells here tales(no pun attended) to the pharmacy lady on the phone..and guess what..? She's like right lady if your animals ate your whole bottle of xanax they would be dead..NONO you don't get it I say they just took them to play with the lids on it you dip..but now they've hidden them and I can't find them and I'm going thru withdraw can't sleep and NEED THEM..Well insurance won't cover you just got Sunday...oohh oh thats ok how bout out of pocket I'll do that..they are like mam "do you realize that those are a controlled substance and we would have to report to state if you tried to refill...WELL SHIT WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT...look and look some more..Okay this is nuts ..I'm on these gd pills cause I'm not quite not nuts so why should I have to beg for them when the cats took them away:( So on last attempt back to drs. office the nice receptionist lady answers who I always talks to..she knows me she knows I wouldn't lie just because I'm in need of a fix..which I am..but it's because the CATS took them away..I proceed to tell her the story..Who in their right mind would make this SHIT up..I think she believes me..Is it possible..she says she'll talk to the doctor and see what she can do...So now I'm at the wait and see game waiting for the phone to ring..OOhh please ring...soon...to be continue..Oh by the way anyone want a Cat?

Secure

It's been almost 4 years now since my mom has lost full use of her leg and with that has also came the loss of her Independence of being able to drive to where ever she wanted to go..rather it be something she had to do (like her part time home health care aid position) or something she liked doing like stopping at garage sales with a few dollars in her purse on a nice sunny spring day. My mom cannot do these things on her own free will anymore, but rather she has to ask someone or hope someone offers to do them with her. That someone is usually me..while I have 3 brothers who live within an hour of her, I don't think she'd ever dare to ask one of them to come take her garage sailing or lets go up and look at the Goodwill and see if they got anything new in. While I do believe my mom's illness has brought all of us closer to her...and I've seen compassion and caring in my brothers eye's that I didn't know was there. But there has also been times I'm ashamed to say that I felt so resentful that I had to take her to the store(where she looked at every single thing like it was seeing it for the first time), or to doctors appointments, or to stop at the store and pick her up this or that..on and on..and during these times I'd jet off emails or txts to my brothers saying "I can't do this" try to convince her to move closer to you all so you can share in all this it's to much..persuading mom to do this was another thing...she tossed and turned over in head whether it was the right thing to do and what did I think? I bent my head in shame saying I thought it was a good idea..more people around to do for her..little did she know I was the one who started the whole thing of finding an apartment. With working with my brother who took her to different apartments to look at and mounds of paperwork to fill out..I was starting to think wow I'm still having to do all this stuff..so when the day came that an apartment had became available for her to move into weeks later..guess what? she decided she wasn't moving! Well blow me over..I think my brother who helped so much with this was as frustrated with that decision as I had been with everything over the last few years..But what could be done we couldn't force her..or could we. No we would never force her. So over the next few weeks I let myself calm down again and just gave in to she's not moving...so here we go again. Well it's been months since the apartment ordeal and I had drove over to mom's on a nice sunny winter day and asked if she wanted to go to Goodwill with me, she was like a kid asking if they wanted a bagful of candy. We get her around with her cane, her purse does she have her keys for the third time..she slowly makes her way down the ramp and into my car, fastens her seat belt and looks at me and says" You know why I didn't take that apartment? I was taken aback that she'd even mention it being so long ago..and she looked at me and said cause I couldn't take leaving you because you make me feel secure. I think that was the best thing in the world my mom could have said to me..I made her feel secure, what a power that is..I mean truly think about this..Honestly how many people in your life can you say makes you feel secure(an no cheating) I mean totally secure. I don't know about you but it is very far and few in my life. Every bit of bitching, moaning and groaning I had done over the last 4 years was magnified in my head a hundred fold..My mom did not want to leave me cause I make her feel secure. Those words will always hold dear to my heart and even though I may not always feel like having to do something for mom...I will never feel the way I did, because I want her to always feel that with me...Secure...