Secure

It's been almost 4 years now since my mom has lost full use of her leg and with that has also came the loss of her Independence of being able to drive to where ever she wanted to go..rather it be something she had to do (like her part time home health care aid position) or something she liked doing like stopping at garage sales with a few dollars in her purse on a nice sunny spring day. My mom cannot do these things on her own free will anymore, but rather she has to ask someone or hope someone offers to do them with her. That someone is usually me..while I have 3 brothers who live within an hour of her, I don't think she'd ever dare to ask one of them to come take her garage sailing or lets go up and look at the Goodwill and see if they got anything new in. While I do believe my mom's illness has brought all of us closer to her...and I've seen compassion and caring in my brothers eye's that I didn't know was there. But there has also been times I'm ashamed to say that I felt so resentful that I had to take her to the store(where she looked at every single thing like it was seeing it for the first time), or to doctors appointments, or to stop at the store and pick her up this or that..on and on..and during these times I'd jet off emails or txts to my brothers saying "I can't do this" try to convince her to move closer to you all so you can share in all this it's to much..persuading mom to do this was another thing...she tossed and turned over in head whether it was the right thing to do and what did I think? I bent my head in shame saying I thought it was a good idea..more people around to do for her..little did she know I was the one who started the whole thing of finding an apartment. With working with my brother who took her to different apartments to look at and mounds of paperwork to fill out..I was starting to think wow I'm still having to do all this stuff..so when the day came that an apartment had became available for her to move into weeks later..guess what? she decided she wasn't moving! Well blow me over..I think my brother who helped so much with this was as frustrated with that decision as I had been with everything over the last few years..But what could be done we couldn't force her..or could we. No we would never force her. So over the next few weeks I let myself calm down again and just gave in to she's not moving...so here we go again. Well it's been months since the apartment ordeal and I had drove over to mom's on a nice sunny winter day and asked if she wanted to go to Goodwill with me, she was like a kid asking if they wanted a bagful of candy. We get her around with her cane, her purse does she have her keys for the third time..she slowly makes her way down the ramp and into my car, fastens her seat belt and looks at me and says" You know why I didn't take that apartment? I was taken aback that she'd even mention it being so long ago..and she looked at me and said cause I couldn't take leaving you because you make me feel secure. I think that was the best thing in the world my mom could have said to me..I made her feel secure, what a power that is..I mean truly think about this..Honestly how many people in your life can you say makes you feel secure(an no cheating) I mean totally secure. I don't know about you but it is very far and few in my life. Every bit of bitching, moaning and groaning I had done over the last 4 years was magnified in my head a hundred fold..My mom did not want to leave me cause I make her feel secure. Those words will always hold dear to my heart and even though I may not always feel like having to do something for mom...I will never feel the way I did, because I want her to always feel that with me...Secure...